Sugar detox day 5: Bitter minus the sweet

The trajectory of my sugar detox so far has run thusly:

Day 1: Amused frustration and incredulity (“Golly! Sugar is in everything!”)
Day 2: Mildly sanctimonious determination (“Who needs sugar? I am a paragon of fortitude!”)
Day 3: Confidence (“Do I want a croissant? Yes. But I don’t need it.”)
Day 4: Cracks in the foundation (“Shouldn’t I feel suddenly healthy and glowy and awesome right now? I feel the same. Where is my payoff?”)
Day 5: Cranky sugar-withdrawal meltdown

Welcome to day five. I would kill up to three endangered animals for an over-sized sour key right now. Five if I don’t have to look them in the eye.*

I think the problem is that health bloggers are duplicitous, evil demon-spawn bent on destroying humanity with vicious lies and broken promises.

Let me try that again. I think the problem is that, based on some popular, hyperbolic accounts of the benefits of eschewing the evil white crystals, I expected sugar detox to instantly make me feel more energetic, happier, healthier. My laugh would ring out effortlessly with the joy of healthy living. My skin would glow like a dewy moon, and my hair would shine like a …super shiny something else. It’s hard to think off candy.

Mostly I just feel grumpy. And in dire need of something gummy and sour.
sugar detox day 5

Some (infinitely patient) friends pointed out, as I seriously contemplated mainlining some maple syrup, that it may take more than five days to feel the effects of a major dietary shift. I will let you know if they are right. At the end of the day I am stubborn as all hell. So on we go!

*Clearly I would not kill an actual white rhino for a sour key. Do I look like a sociopathic Texas cheerleader? It’s hyperbole, people.

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Sugar detox: The nightmare begins

On June 6, I started a 30 day sugar detox. I put it off because giving up sugar is stupid and terrible, and I can’t think of any sane reason to voluntarily subject myself to that horror. But I’m doing it.

Not for sanctimonious health-related reasons, that I smugly relate to people while sipping unsweetened kombucha tea at a yoga studio after getting my chi aligned. No, I’m giving it up because one fine day, as I was stress-eating sour patch kids at 9:00 a.m. at my desk, I wondered if it was actually possible.

sour patch kids

Ground rules: I’m giving up processed sugar. Natural sugars like honey and maple syrup are ok, but not too much. Sneaky covert added sugars like dextrose are out. Booze is in, because I’d like to still have friends at the end of this, and a Sarah without cupcakes OR wine is…not a pleasant human being. And yes, I know wine is chaptalized, but the sugar is converted to booze. Soooo…it gets the ok.

It has been four days. Mostly what I’ve learned is that sugar is in f***ing everything. I will report back on the experience occasionally with an “Oh what the f***! There’s sugar in that too?!?!” update. So to get us started, here are some fun foods that you may not know have sugar in them!

– bacon (this discovery elicited a substantial howl of “NOOOOOOOO!” before I started weeping)
– most commercial bread
– most crackers
– Sriracha (more weeping)
– most salsa (except President’s Choice. Nice one, PC!)

26 days left. Stay tuned.