How my stolen boots saved all the puppies

My Hunter boots disappeared from my office. I feel really sad about this, because I don’t think stealing stuff should be a thing. So I called my sister.

Me: My boots disappeared from my office.

Alexis: That sucks, dude.

Me: I know, right?!! But to make myself feel better I’ve decided that they were stolen by like, a volunteer worker at a puppy shelter. And the shelter was going to close unless they could raise $50 in the next 24 hours and he was all “But WHAT ABOUT THE PUPPIES!?!?” And so, in an act of desperation, he took my boots. But he felt REALLY bad about it.

Alexis: Why was this puppy shelter director in your office building?

Me: I don’t know, he was friends with one of the cleaners or something. And he probably wrote me a little note explaining about the puppies, sealed with tears, and left it on my desk so I would know about the good thing that my boots were doing. But then it got blown onto the floor and the vacuum cleaner guy hoovered it up. And now I’ll never know.

Alexis: That seems like a…rational thought.

Me: Alexis, give me this. Otherwise I have to believe the truth – that they were probably stolen by some selfish, wealthy butthole, who sold them so he could buy another collector’s edition Darth Vader Pez dispenser on eBay to add to his vast Pez dispenser collection.

Alexis: Ok. These are possibly the two least likely scenarios for the disappearance of your boots. Have you checked your gym bag?

So I checked my gym bag but they aren’t there. At least those puppies will live out their lives in peace though.