Ok. It’s day 9 and things are decidedly better. Per this conversation I had with an acquaintance, whose name I have protected so they don’t feel bad for being so totally wrong.
Me: The good news is I don’t feel like Gollum gazing at the one ring with twitchy, gut-wrenching, soul-destroying longing every time I see a bag of Oreos anymore.
[REDACTED]: I bet when you try sugar again you won’t even enjoy it. It will be like…too much.
Me: False. It will be awesome.
[REDACTED]: Seriously. I heard when you get off bad food habits, you don’t even want it anymore when you try it again.
Me: Right. Well in my case, that first bite of cupcake will dissolve on my tongue in a glorious wave of sweet cascading joy, while the glow of a thousand golden unicorns literally shoots out of my eyeballs, bathing the entire world in the pure light of unadulterated pleasure.
[REDACTED]: Hahaha. I don’t think you mean “literally”.
Me: I do. Literally. So…you should wear sunglasses or something.
It’s interesting. Kind of like a switch flipped, and my brain went from “Please please please please please please PLEASE can we PLEASE have some candy?!? PLEASE!!! SERIOUSLY!!!” to “FINE. We won’t eat sugar! UGH – you’re such a mean, meany-pants. I guess we’ll, like…do other stuff.”