So I recently started experiencing a crampy kind of pain in my arches every once in a while. It’s only every few weeks, but it sucks big time when it pops up, so I decided to seek medical advice.
Me: I keep having random foot cramping in my arches. Do I have rickets or walking pneumonia or something?
Doctor: Do you wear high heels?
Me: Yes. But only like seven days a week. And never when I’m, you know, sleeping.
Doctor: Well there’s your problem.
Me: That’s crazy! I’ve been wearing stilettos daily for 10 years!
Doctor: You’re actually reinforcing my point.
Me: Right, well back to the matter at hand; how can I get rid of this cramping?
Doctor: Stop wearing heels.
Me: Hahhahahahaha. Yeah – this pencil skirt would look great with tennis shoes.
Doctor: [Stares at me.]
Me: Ohhhh. You’re serious. My bad. Ok, well that’s not going to happen. What are my surgical options?
At that point things degenerated into a rather long argument. Long story short, they won’t do surgery for occasional arch cramps that could be avoided with a simple, hideous footwear change. And I know what you’re thinking – but no, they won’t prescribe narcotic painkillers for it either. Shoe fascists.
Side note: For the record, medical professionals do not appreciate being called ‘shoe fascists’.